Reflecting

Many months  have went by and I still can’t seem to write anything, eight months to be precise. I have felt myself slip away from reality a couple of times; being forced to act in manners I never thought I would due to situations. There has been so many blessings upon my life yet life has made it impossible for me to live those moments let alone celebrate and be truly happy.

I feel like this has not been a writer’s block, this is my brain trying to forget all the pain and hurt I’ve had to withstand, creative writing has never been an issue for me after all I always dreamed of being an author. I’ve lost loved ones and shed so many tears that my brain wouldn’t let me talk about it let alone write about.

2015 I lost my granny from cancer; shed a few tears but had to be strong for my mother and sisters. Just when we were recovering my only brother fell sick from kidney failure and in just three months of being sick he passed away early last year in February.

No one can understand the pain we went through, I mean an only brother and for me I think I got my strong character from him. He was strong and all gangster and growing up I used to look up to him. The worst pain of all was seeing my mother fall apart, that broke my heart.

Every night I’d stay up staring through the darkness and all I could hear was my mom crying to God, begging him to take away the pain. That lasted the whole year of 2016 and believe me every time I heard her cry I could feel the pain in my heart eating me away like poison. No one could understand why I had to be away from home, I needed to focus because I made up my mind.

While she was crying to God during the midnight hours I also said a little prayer to God; I said “Lord I need you to strengthen me give the focus I need to make my mom happy, let me work hard in order to restore her joy back in her  heart” and believe me last year I was more focus than I’ve ever been in my entire life because God had deposited a new power in me.

When you go through hardships people around you disappear, trust me that is the hardest part about life, but I got through it all and ain’t holding no grudges against nobody.

When 2016 ended I was eager about the coming up year, 2017! the year I would be graduating from Varsity and getting a good paying job to support my mom. I didn’t realise that there was more obstacles coming up my way.

Job hunting was stressful nothing was coming my way and I had to make a choice to either move to Jozi or Kaapstad after weighing my options I decided to come to Joburg for better chances of finding a job; Lord! I’ve never been so wrong about anything in my entire life.

But through it all God has been faithful and I am not ashamed to say it out loud. So I finally beat the odds and I feel that I’m ready to write everything down; and for me it brings me pleasure and joy whenever I write.